Now

So, I sit here with salty eyes with the pulsating noise perpetuating through the air. Giving into sleep is a vicious temptation but I am unable to, yet staying awake is my current vice. The gaping ball in the back of my throat asks for exposure but I am actively denying it, denying this physical release of partial sickness. Let me through this, let the salt rub my eyes, embrace the ambivalence and overall, get away.

Nothing

I don't know

But I don't know what to say, I can't express it because everything is a whole mess of confusion. Confusion as to what where when why how in regards to a multitude of things that I can't even comprehend. Can you understand this? Can you engage in what this is? Is this empty? Is this full? Is this a lake deep full of alligators or is it a sea full of sharks? Maybe the water is clear and I'm ready to jump in, or maybe I'm not. I don't know. I really don't know. Maybe the water is ice and I'm trying to jump it but I can't break the surface. But maybe I'm trying to find sanity amongst this chaos, this... This... knowing, this knowledge this clarity. It is what I am seeking, hence this whole word vomit, this mess of vernacular, is my verbosity bothering you now? Is it? For when you read this, it makes no sense and that's exactly what I'm trying to get across because it doesn't make any sense, nothing makes any sense, I don't make any sense and any sense that I try to create always has a lack of sense. Everything so far is a lack of sense, I don't know what I want, I don't know what I need, all I know is a few axioms that I live life by and that's about it. There is nothing else but confusion and it is this confusion that is killing me, that is killing everything around me. I need sleep, I need warmth, I need everything fundamental to my nature but I supposedly have it, but I don't understand what's missing, I don't know anything that is going on at this present time. This is a stream of consciousness, my abreaction to catharsis, I know I use that line a lot but it helps and I personally love those words. Maybe in this jumbled mess I'll actually find what I'm looking for, what I'm searching for, what I want, what I want.. No what I really want and what I really need. I don't know if this is going to work or make some sort of effect but in all honestly the point of this was to confuse and not only confuse myself but confuse whoever is reading this because this is honestly a gigantic word vomit and word expulsion and word dribble and word x and word y and word z which are synonyms of expulsion, vomit and dribble. I don't know what to say.