My breakup poem

When I told you I couldn't stop caring about you, you shook violently.

A seizure I induced with no epi-pen in sight.

I saw your eyes cry and freeze like your body didn't know what to do with itself.

When you love someone with barbed wire wrapped around your chest you can't exactly complain when they hurt you.

I held you while you told me you wanted to end your life. I threw the knife I held behind my back away because it was no use hurting someone more than they hurt themselves.

The heart can only love so much but unfortunately it can't love hard enough to make you love yours.

You were crying when I comforted you after you told me you cheated on me. You asked me "why are you doing this?". I saw you bare your soul in front of my eyes but you were too blinded to see mine.

Honesty is the brush my heart paints, sometimes with more than my own canvas can fill.

I watched a train take you away from me.
I went back to my hotel and I cried because the city felt emptier without you in it. Luckily a few days later I left it.

I keep tracing timelines backwards until the moment we started. You were excited to see me. I want to be excited to see you too. It's one of the best memories I have.

--

So we ended as quickly as we started,
in and out of each others lives like a click.
I poured my heart into this relationship
And loved you harder than I loved myself
And I really love myself.

You told me you loved me to the moon and back
because as a child it was all the distance you knew
We said it felt so right.

You told me you knew you loved me when you saw me around my friends
and knew I was perfect.
I never knew perfection was measured in second chances

I loved you unconditionally but it seems like your love had conditions
And these conditions seemed to include my unconditional love
So while you knew my love was unconditional, that being unconditional to you
made it easier to stop conditionally loving me.

My brain is as confused as your gender.
Your personality is as confused as your gender.
Your gender is not part of your personality
I called you up crying because I couldn't handle your gender.
You were annoyed at my tears and my brain for thinking you were someone else 3 months before.
That personality wasn't so kind about the way this personality perceived your gender.
I never knew compassion could flow only one direction against a person who cares about you.
My sexuality may be fluid but when you flick a light off and on repeatedly you can't tell the difference between night and day

I tried to empathise with your tortured soul
but I was pushed away with a drive stronger than yours to leave your country
Your escapism is my confrontation
Your confrontation is my comfort
and a comfort that leads you to scar discomfort onto the back of your hand.
I bandaged you up like I was bandaging the pain you have inside,
the stinging cream only hurts for a while you know
every hurt only does for a while
so why does every hurt make you want to leave?

You left a trail of self-destruction an anarchist could only dream of
Disappointment instilled in people who appointed you as their friend... or acquaintance... or lover.
Ignoring your problems with people only to come face to face with them yourself
Physically distancing yourself only takes you around the world but you will always travel in your head

We tore pages out of the cliche book because we were running out of things to do.
Except the only one left was an extravagant ending.
I wish I could say we had that one too but I was too tired to turn the page.

Validation - Poem

Validation is the space between the walls of an empty house.
Too much and all you are is hollow.
Too little and your house is an endless echo
But,

Enough and your walls separate rooms,

The space in between you fill with yourself

Let's go back, we'll go back far. Not too far that I don't remember but far enough that I do. As much as I miss it, as much as I miss you.

Nope, that's far enough. Far enough indeed.

Trapped

To feel trapped within your body is a painful feeling. Trapped in hypotheticals and counterfactuals, these are all that I know and feel. They amplify, speak louder and louder until they deafen my ears until I cannot help but fall to the floor and wither in my own self-pity. Help

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Sometimes I forget. I forget before it comes back to me and when it does come back to me it hits me in the face... Like an anvil squashing my cranium. Coming to terms with it hasn't ever been easy and still isn't. Words tossed here and there, up and down in a particular fashion where I can't admit it nor can I say it without sounding somewhat insane. Well in fact, I can't admit it to myself. It doesn't feel that way and I guess it's real when it becomes a part of you.

My stumbling inane wordy paragraph is brought to you by either an imbalance of chemicals in the brain (specifically serotonin/norepinephrine), my own poor life decisions or those two causing each other in some way or another. Somewhere along that causal chain is my upbringing.

Thanks.

Date a girl who listens to music.

Date a girl who listens to music.
You should date a girl who listens to music. Because when you date her, not only do you date her physical being, you date an amalgamation of every lyric, melody that has made her laugh, cry, awe and pause. She will know the smell of the lyric booklet when she opens a fresh cd and know the intricate beauty of placing the cd in her cd player. This is something that will show in her when you’re with her. The little things matter.

Date a girl who listens to music because the earphones in her ears while you speak to her isn’t an insult, it’s her secret way of sharing what she holds dear to her heart with you. Date a girl who listens to music because she has felt every emotion imaginable. She is ready for anything that comes her way because she’s felt it before.

When you date a girl who listens to music, find out what her favourite songs are, the ones she listens to at 3am when she can’t fall asleep, the ones when she’s at her lowest and listen. Listen to every drum beat, every note and every lyric and feel it. Feel the entire song resonate throughout your body. This will bring you closer to her than you could ever imagine.

When you’re with her, each day becomes a song, a constant melody. A song that doesn’t stop playing until both of you have fallen asleep in each others arms. She will understand this more than you will ever know. The choice of wedding song will substitute your vows because she doesnt need your words to explain why you will be a good partner, you’ve done it already by engaging with the thing that she holds closely to her heart. Your children will be physical embodiments of the song you create together and as long as they’re alive, the song will forever be perpetuated to forever be heard for generations to come.

Date a girl who listens to music otherwise you will miss out on the melody of life. The song of nature and the voice of the sky. You won’t learn to appreciate the value of words and how well placed they can be within the chaos of instruments and the entire world.

She will be your song and you will be hers. It will be unique and you will never hear anything like it again.

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I've imagined an infinite amount of possibilities where I have seen you, spoke to you, told you things I wouldn't tell anyone else, where you have told me things that you wouldnt tell anyone else. But none of these possibilities and hypothetical scenarios don't mean anything, because they aren't happening. The pictures in my head cannot be more real than actually seeing you, hearing you, smelling you and touching the smooth skin of your arm. It cannot be more real than staring you in the face, running my fingers through your hair and explaining to you how I fell in love with you and why I love you.